Thursday, January 13, 2022

Desiring the End

 


The End. 

That’s a funny way to start a beginning, isn’t it?  

When it comes to stories… or blog posts… there’s an unspoken, yet understood, natural order to things. The order begins in the beginning, moves gracefully toward the climax, reaches the climax in an adrenaline-fueled thrill, coasts toward the ending on the wings of resolution and triumph, and then the finale bows with a definitive “The End.” This is just how it goes. I don’t make the rules, haha. 

We, as humans, appreciate this dedicated order. We don’t have to question it, we don’t have to worry if it’ll be the same during the next book we pick up. We like it. Well… most of us.  

I, on the other hand, just have to be different. For any one of you that have been crazy enough to read my writings here for any amount of time, you probably already know this fact. I tend, always, to be different. My style of book-reading attests only to the proof of that.  

You see, I read the end of the book before I read the beginning. I want to know that the story finishes in a manner I’m satisfied with. I don’t want to waste my time trudging through a book that has a sad or disappointing ending. Thus, I read the end to know if I’m going to like how the middle plays out. Don’t worry, I’ve received plenty of light-hearted ridicule for this; even some well-played stabs at my impatience and need for control. On those latter character flaws, people are absolutely right. I find the other remarks mildly humorous, however. See, the thing is, all y’all do the exact same thing I do. I do it more visibly with books, but every single human being that has ever lived has tried, failed, and yearned to know what the end of their life-story will be. You want to know how it ends to see if maybe, just maybe, you can prepare differently, or manipulate the events of the middle enough to effect the ending. Maybe if we can glimpse at the final pages of our respective lives, maybe we can write a better story; a more heroic, daring, successful, romantic, idyllic story within the center chapters. 

Sunday, October 17, 2021

More Than I Can Handle

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"God will never give you anything you can't handle, so don't stress it." 
-Kelly Clarkson

I've heard this stated two or three times this week alone, by some precious fellow believers. I know their heart was well-intended. I know they meant this as a point of comfort. It's an easy statement to speak and an easy one to swallow. It's one full of surface-love and quickly digestible morsels stemming from a desire to relate God's love with human suffering. Surely a loving God wouldn't bog His creatures down with hardships and pain that they're not strong enough to push through, right? Surely He made us strong enough to get through anything life pushes on us... Right?

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Friday, January 1, 2021

2021 Vision


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It's a new year, Y'all. Go ahead, clear those 2020 bingo cards; it's a new year, a new round. 

Thursday, December 17, 2020

Cinderella Gown

 




“This is my Cinderella gown, do you think my Prince Charming will like it?”

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Glass

Hey there, Everyone... it's been a while.
Like, a really long while. Sorry for that. It's...well, it's been a tough year. I hope to be on here more regular, though. I've got a long-ish post in the works. For now, though, I thought I'd share a little piece with you that I wrote last night. It's just a short poem, and honestly- I barely edited it. It's rough, it's real, it's raw. I hope it resonates with someone. 
Drop a comment and let me know what you think. :) 

Thursday, January 2, 2020

New Year, Old Shadows



The end of one year means the beginning of another. As I sit in reflection of all that's happened, I can feel myself getting pulled into a self-centered sadness at some things. You see, I'm stuck in a bit of a hard place right now. Things that I've pictured happening, haven't at all turned out like I thought they would. Moments I've looked forward to have fallen through. Friends I used to have have shut me out. To be perfectly honest, 2019 was a really *really* hard year. 

Sunday, September 8, 2019

All the Blank Spaces

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Well,  I learned something… I can’t color. 


I, a 22-year-old-adult-woman,  cannot color. 


I tried. I really did.  I had one of those gorgeous adult coloring books opened up in front of me. Each page filled with beautiful arrangements of various flowers and leaves. That’s it. Nothing too scary. Just really pretty, and fairly simple, scenes of flowers. 


There was only one problem- there was no color. 


And, before you start thinking it, yes, I fully understand the point of a coloring book. I completely grasp the concept that each page is starchly black-and-white for the sole purpose that the possessor is supposed to add the color. Any color. All. The. Color. 


THAT’S THE ISSUE! 

Monday, October 22, 2018

Mornings

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Her eyes opened to the sensation of light seeping in through the window blind. She slowly adjusted her position in bed. “What time is it?” 8:04. She moaned softly as the expected feeling of restfulness never came. Instead, tiredness washed over her aching body. Everything in her wanted to roll back over, throw the blanket over her head, and procrastinate the day’s issues just a bit longer. But that wasn’t really an option today.

She hadn’t slept super well. She finally drifted off to sleep sometime after midnight; then she just kept waking up. She saw 1:30 all the way to 2:00, 6:00, 6:30, and now 8:04. She quit. Attempting to sleep was finished for the night. Yet, somehow she still didn’t feel rested; but when did she ever?

It was in these quiet moments of the morning when her mind most wandered through the impending stresses of the day. Her thoughts mounted a “To-Do” list nigh-on a mile long. Chores, scheduling stuff, phone calls, appointments, all those weighty decisions that need to be made… The sun had barely peeped through the night sky while burdens began piling on her shoulders.

...And then there was yesterday. Apparently it wasn’t enough to have all of today’s issues looming over her already, that now we needed to add yesterday’s unsolved woes, too? Every single problem of previous came rushing back like a flood. “Well, I didn’t get that done.” “That was never fully resolved.” “Oh yeah, that hurt and made me cry.” “Yep. That worry never went away.” And on and on and on. This was all much too much for 8am… She needed coffee.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Bruised Peaches

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Monday. It was this past Monday.

I had burned up my weekend at work and Monday was my first day off in a while. I woke up energized and ready for the day. I had big plans! Admittedly, those plans began- and were subsequently fueled by- some good coffee, but that's beside the point, really. :)

Thursday, August 16, 2018

"It's Not Fair!"

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Gee- children can be theatrical, can't they? I was no exception, for sure. I remember this one time when I was rather small that I had had some spat with my siblings. I recall running to my mom, tears pouring down my tiny, red face crying "It's not fair! It's not fair!" I dramatically relayed my side of the sob story and threw myself against her leg. "It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.."

I also remember my mother, in her ever evident wisdom, telling me "Life isn't fair. It's better off you learn that early." Then I think she hugged me and sent me back to fix whatever the issue was. I was upset with her at the time, I know that for sure; but now, looking back, I'm realizing that she there probably was no better lesson she could've taught me.

Life really isn't fair.

Friday, April 13, 2018

The Dance

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"Do you trust me?"

She could hear the smile in his voice without seeing it. His tone was mostly calm, yet peaked with minor fragments of excitement and thrill. She returned the expression that she heard on his face. 

Giggling, she responded, "Yes! Of course I trust you!"

Her fingers played with the soft fabric that covered her eyes as she attempted a peek at his face, but they were intercepted by his own hands grasping hers. 

"Ah, ah, ah, ah! No peeking! You said you trusted me..." His voice still filled with mirth.

She released a fast sigh and chuckled. "Alright, fair enough! I trust you. The bandana can stay."

"Wonderful. Now follow my lead."

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Shells



I love the beach.

The vivid brightness of the sun, the freshness of the breeze, the sound of the waves slowly kissing the shoreline, the warm sand against my bare toes... I love the beach.

Monday, February 12, 2018

One Loose Strand


She squared her shoulders and stiffened her lip.
She pasted on that fake smile.
Her pain hidden from the entire world.
She'd practiced this for a while.
She sucked in her gut and held in a breath.
She steadied her trembling hand.
'Twas practically perfect, all would be fine;
If not for that one loose strand...

She tucked it back in to her tight up-do.
Struggling to hide it away.
For society screamed "Don't let it show!"
"Never allow it display."
A blemish like this would just never do-
Pressure from all the demand.
She frantically searched for a solution;
She had to fix that loose strand.

She knew of their judgements, knew of their schemes.
Knew that there'd be endless shame.
A 'dog-eat-dog' world is what we've become.
They'd forever mock her name.
She couldn't show weakness, couldn't show need.
Couldn't be anything bland.
She had to impress; had to be "wow!"
She had to hide that loose strand.

But this imperfection was hard to hide.
It was big and hard to miss.
How could she go, let society see;
While walking around like this?
She piled on the make-up, sprayed on the spray;
Trusting in only top brands.
The more she fussed, the more mess became;
Now she faced many loose strands.

She sunk to her knees, tears poured down her face.
Her worth decreased by this mess.
Her mascara ran, her face turned all red.
Her soul in blatant distress.
She must hide within, must recoil inside.
Too broken to even stand.
She must mask her face. She can't be herself.
Because of that one loose strand.

Does someone have worth with imperfections?
Do flaws determine value?
Should society say what someone means?
Should we always mask what's true?
Does true hope exist for those who bear scars?
Could anyone understand?
Are we destined to hide and mask ourselves-
All thanks to just one loose strand?

No, with conviction, I saw we do not.
We don't have to hide our face.
We can stand with assurance, thanks to God.
Upright, in light of His grace.
He determines our worth, loves each blemish.
He made you with His own hand.
His transforming work makes flaws new again;
He loves you and each loose strand.

So unmask your face, reveal each scarred part.
Stand tall in the love that He pours.
For no one can out-talk His say of you.
The worth He gave you is yours.
No matter your weight, no matter your race;
No matter what your homeland.
The Lord, He loves you, just as He made you.
Embrace you, and each loose strand.

Monday, January 15, 2018

I Hope You Dance

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"And we're dancing in the minefields....
                       We're sailing in the storms.....
                                        And this is harder than we dreamed; but I believe.
                                                               
                                                   That's what the promise is for."          
-Andrew Peterson, Dancing in the Minefields

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Friday, September 29, 2017

-I Wanna Be His Woman-



•I wanna be the woman that makes his heart bubble with affectionate words; and yet makes him speechless when he's around me. 



•I wanna be the woman that brings out his tender, gentle, side; and yet makes him blaze with protective harshness when necessary. 



•I wanna be the woman that encourages him loudly in public; and yet encourages him just as much, and even more so, when we're alone. 



•I wanna be the woman that is strong enough to support him when he's hurting, sick, or down; and yet who is humble enough to be lead and supported by him so much more. 



•I wanna be the woman that makes him chuckle and shake his head at me as I randomly dance while doing the dishes; and yet makes him fervently dance with me in his arms when our song comes on. 



•I wanna be the woman that makes him eager to plan and prepare for specific time together; and yet causes him to spontaneously desire to spend time with me during the simplest of things. 



•I wanna be the woman that doesn't burden him with my financial struggles; but comes to him with the gift of her own financial security. 



•I wanna be the woman that allows him time to do what he loves and supports his own dreams; and yet the one that is on his mind the whole time he's away and the one he can't wait to get back to. 



•I wanna be the woman that earnestly tries to meld with his household and love upon his family; and also the one that makes him feel welcome and comfortable with mine. 



•I wanna be the woman that has a hot, home-cooked, meal ready for him when he comes home from work; but also the woman that calls him randomly in the middle of the afternoon and asks "can we go out for tacos tonight?"



•I wanna be the woman that supports and is involved with his love of sports, or sci fi, or action, or whathavehim; but also the one who sits on the couch, leaning on him, reading as he's watching it. 



•I wanna be the woman that helps him dream big and bold for our future; and also who helps anchor him firmly when he gets caught up in them. 



•I wanna be the woman that he can tease and joke and goof around with; and also the shoulder he can cry on when the pain of life hits him. 



•I wanna be the woman that he looks at on our wedding day and thinks that he couldn't possibly love me any more; and still the woman that he looks at 60 years later and realizes how wrong he was then. 



•I wanna be the woman that he grabs the hand of, and promises to never let go, when I'm young and full of life; and still the woman he makes the same promise to when I'm old, frail, and deteriorating. 



•I wanna be the woman that he promises before God to love and cherish; and the same woman that he fulfills that promise to. 


•I wanna be the woman that my future husband has always prayed for; and the same woman that never stops praying for her man. 

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Cleansed

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Her heart rate quickened with sensual lust. 
Her eyes lit up like fire. 
Her breathing sped, her gaze was fixed-
On that, her carnal desire.