What If?

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I was the little girl who had every detail of her future wedding planned before she reached double digits.

I was the little girl who took forever to set up her Barbie house, just so that every area would be perfect for when my husband, the Ken doll, got home from his imaginary job.

I was the little girl that would hug my doll close to me at nighttime and drift off to sleep while praying to God that one day He'd give me one of my own.

That little girl is still inside me. That little girl, with all her hopes and dreams and prayers for the future, is still in there.

But what if?

What if the life I've dreamt about and prayed for ever since I could remember isn't the life that the Lord has in store for me? What if all my preparation, my practicing... my waiting... does not lead to the end that I've imagined for myself? What then?

This is something I've been wrestling with for the past few weeks. Different circumstances have came and went in my life of recent and they've kinda made me rethink, well,  rethink me. Through all of this the same question just keeps recirculating through my mind- Would I be willing to lay aside my dreams and just find contentment in the Lord?

To many this may seem like an easy question. This may, to you at least, seem like a simple, knee-jerk reaction answer. "Why sure, Lord, I'll be content in You. Of course I will." 

I'd like to say that I responded as such, but I'll just be honest with you for a moment, it has not been an easy question for me to answer.

As a matter of fact, it has been one of the hardest questions I've ever had to face. The Lord has been quietly asking me if I will choose Him over that I my own feeble dream. The more I've thought about that question, and all the tiny details of my life it encompasses, the harder it's been for me to outright answer it; and the longer I've taken to answer it, the more like a heel I've felt for realizing what an idol I've constructed for myself in the place of God Almighty. 

I, in a sense, can kinda relate to the Rich Young Ruler that is written about in Mark 10:17-27. Here was Jesus, asking this man to give up everything he had treasured in his life.

"One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me." (verse 21) 

Jesus promised a greater reward, but the young ruler was unable to relinquish his hold on his physical possessions; similar to me and my weeks of mental struggle. Those earthly, temporary prizes we cling to can be our own stumbling block to eternal reward. For the young ruler, it was money; for me, this feeble dream. The young ruler was unwilling to give up his earthly treasure, was I to be that way as well? If you read the passage, you'll see it didn't turn out too well for the young ruler- and I didn't want that same fate for myself! Who was I, after all, to cling to perishable fantasies of this world over that of my Lord and Savior?

The other day I poured my heart out to God through the pages of my prayer journal. It wasn't too pretty, but it was honest. I earnestly asked the Lord's forgiveness for my struggle in this. Today in church I gave God my answer. "Yes, God, I will still love You- even if Your plan isn't mine. Yes, God, I will turn my eyes only to Your love and truth. Lord, help me to find my contentment only in You." 

I felt some relief by this, although I can tell you now that my struggle is far from over. I have laid my dream at the foot of the cross, and the urge to pick it back up again is real. I will absolutely still continue to pray and prepare for my future husband, whoever he may be if God wills; but my focus will just be a little different in that prayer. Even now I am asking the Lord to change my heart- to transform me into the woman He wants me to be. I am asking Him to give me opportunity, even in the waiting, to do big things for His kingdom. I ask that you join with me in prayer, not only for myself (although God knows how much I need it!) but also for you. Ask the Lord, petition Him, to make you fruitful and kingdom-powerful in the now, in your waiting. 

So here I stand, with my dream at the base of the cross and my eyes fixed on  the Lover of my soul- Jesus, clinging fast out of sheer weakness and desperation to His leading and His promises. Where are you?