Sometimes I Cry

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So, I'm a good Christian. At least that's what I tell myself.


I was saved at a very young age. I grew up in a Christian home. I attended all the church functions and Bible programs. So I should have it all together, right?

I'd like to think so.

The put-together-Christian-girl. That's me. I've never been in trouble. Never done anything actually "naughty". I'm all set. Someone hand me the "fast-pass" to heaven's gates, because I'm a shoe-in!

The only problem with all that is- it's all an act! Now, I really am a saved believer; don't get me wrong there. What I'm saying is that all the outside perfection that y'all see on my surface is just a shiny coating of paint on my exterior.

On the inside, I'm quite the piece of work.

On the inside, I've had my doubts. On the inside, I've had moments where I've shaken my fist up at God. I've had times where I've felt so far from God that I've questioned if He was really there at all. On the inside, I'm not as pretty. I don't appear to be the put-together-Christian-girl anymore.

Never fear though, people haven't seen that side of me.

You've never met me, that's true. Maybe you've been following my words here for a while, or maybe this is your first time, I don't really know. But I want to take this moment, right here right now, to be honest. To be raw.

You see, friend, my whole blog here is all about waiting- waiting for the return of Christ and the appearance of my future husband. I've sat here behind this computer screen encouraging patience. I've exhorted you to fight the good fight and make the most of the place that The Lord has you in right now. I've shared stories of my own prayers and testimony of things that He's been doing in my life. Maybe, just maybe, you've been uplifted by something I've said. Possibly, you've been challenged. Hopefully you've seen the genuineness that I've poured of myself into these simple posts. But today, I pray that you see something really real.

I cannot deny the fact that the Lord has been working in my life lately. I cannot overlook the changes that He's making to my heart. The thing is though, these changes have been quite painful.

When the Lord works in my life, sometimes I cry.  

In fitting with that "Good Christian" persona, I really want to tell you that the stretching and working of the Lord is painless and simple. I want to paint this beautiful picture of a simple lesson that The Lord taught and then **POOF** I'm magically more Christlike. Unfortunately this is not the case..

Oftentimes, when The Lord is growing me, this put-together-Christian-girl instinctively fights it. I struggle and run the other direction. It's stupid really. I revert back to that three year old child that is told "No" and then proceeds to throw herself on the floor, face beet red, kicking and flailing about all while screaming her head off. I can be such a stubborn brat sometimes.

In other moments, I cry because of how badly it hurts. This happened for me just a couple weeks ago. I was running hard after something that I perceived as a blessing from God. I was really going. I had a nagging fear that maybe this particular thing wasn't right, but, like that stubborn child, I ignored that gentle whisper and kept going. FInally, The Lord slammed the door. Praise Him He did, but ouch!

Have you ever experienced that? You know, you're running hard towards something and then, out of the blue, you fall flat on your face? Or something jumps out in front of you and you run square into it? Goodness gracious, does it ever hurt! It was in that moment, where I was slumped down on my bedroom floor, that I felt a lot of hurt toward how the Lord was growing me. The lessons He's teaching me right now have left some scars. There has been nothing giddy or magical about these experiences. It's been painful. It's been difficult. I've both screamed in an obstinate tantrum at Him and cried out in pain for Him to just hold me.

Yeah, I've been a Christian since I was like six or seven years old. Sure, I've grown up in a godly home. Mhmm, if you were to look at me from the outside only, you'd see someone who looks like she has it all together in her walk with the Lord.

What you don't see is my tears. You can't see the times where I'm angry at God for what He's doing. You don't get to read the pain-filled scrawlings in my prayer journal.  You never get watch me bawling my eyes out as the full weight of what He's doing settles over me.

Yeah, I look like I've got everything in order, but sometimes I cry. Sometimes this Christian journey gets the better of me and I have no strength to go on on my own. That's okay.

It's okay for you, too. Never think that you need to look perfect- that you need to have it all together. The Lord knows what's going on in your head and your heart. He knows it even better than you do. He knows every dirty little secret and every guilty pleasure. He knows every fiber of your being and your fancy little facade doesn't fool Him one bit. Be honest with Him. Write it out to Him. Talk it out with Him. You're not going to offend Him with your words or surprise Him by your actions. Be real. Be genuine. Cry sometimes. It really is okay. As a matter of fact, it's a beautiful place to be.