New Year, Old Shadows

The end of one year means the beginning of another. As I sit in reflection of all that's happened, I can feel myself getting pulled into a self-centered sadness at some things. You see, I'm stuck in a bit of a hard place right now. Things that I've pictured happening, haven't at all turned out like I thought they would. Moments I've looked forward to have fallen through. Friends I used to have have shut me out. To be perfectly honest, 2019 was a really *really* hard year. 

You know, I could choose to leave my reflecting like that. I could make a choice, right now, to say "it's been a hard year", focus on the negatives, make one of those cliche New Year's "hope-my-life-gets-better" quotes, and leave it like that. I technically could.

But

What does that say about me?

Where is the gratitude in that?

How does that attitude glorify my Savior? 

I’ve been reminded of late about one clear phrase-- "God is faithful." 

Seems simple, doesn't it? Like, that's a statement any Christian has probably heard hundreds of times. It's thrown around so flippantly and so thoughtlessly, on occasion, that we grow almost deaf to the truth behind it. Lately, I haven’t been deaf to it. 

“God is faithful.”

Take a moment, if you would, and just allow that truth to re-sink-in for your spirit. 

God is faithful. God is faithful. God is faithful. God is faithful. God is faithful. 

As I sit, thinking that through, a lot of thoughts fly around my mind. Do I believe that? Do I trust, with my entire being, that God *really* is faithful? That thinking had me in a bit of a quandary. If I really believed that, then why am I so doubtful in the midst of these “hard” situations? Why do I struggle so frequently with trusting His hand at work? Why do I allow myself to get pulled into the slums of despair at each new tough development in my story as though God has no way to work it for my good?

That line of thinking continued into the other morning as I pulled up Facebook to scroll through. A memory popped up from “This day in 2016”. It was my recap thoughts from that year; 3 years ago…  “As the final hours of 2016 draw to a close, I just want to say how thankful I am to have lived through this past year. People are saying how hard 2016 was, and certainly it’s had its awful moments, but I serve a God Who is always sovereign and Who has blessed me richly in this year.” 

2016-me knew what was what. So what happened to 2019-me? 

2019-me went through a lot, as I’m sure is also true for a lot of 2019-you’s out there, too. 

But what do we do with that? How do we balance the truths of God’s Word vs. a 2019 year of “hard”? And how do we move into a 2020 of hope and strength if the shadows of 2019 still hover about and haunt at every turn? 

Where is God in the shadows?

Shadows… that’s like the personification of how much of last year felt. Like dark, haunting, shadows lurking in each place I tried to see light. I got a little curious and looked up some facts on shadows. Everyone knows what shadows aren’t -they’re not tangible, not a clear presentation of an object, not detailed… But what *are* shadows? Welp, according to the vast interweb, “A shadow is a dark (real image) area where light from a light source is blocked by an opaque object.” (kids.kiddle.co) Another site states “A shadow is a dark area on a bright surface. It is caused by something blocking a source of light.” (wiki.kizsearch.com)

“A dark area on a bright surface”. “A dark area where light from a lightsource is blocked”.

Hmmmm. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

If last year felt like a large shadow to me, then what was blocking my lightsource?

As Christians, we know that The Lightsource of all life is Creator God. (Non-christians have the same Lightsource, they just don’t acknowledge it yet.) In the Lord, there is no darkness. [“This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5] 

Sooo… you probably know where I’m going with this… If we find shadows in our life and we know that:

1. God is our Light
2. There is no darkness in God
3. A shadow is “a dark area where a light from a lightsource is blocked”

Then…. What’s blocking out our Lightsource?

Think over the 2019 you had. Think over some of those specific moments where the shadows seemed to overtake. What caused the shadow? Maybe it was just the simple state of this fallen world doing what it does to attempt to block our view of the Lord. That’s absolutely the case for some shadows...sicknesses and freak accidents are just 2 examples. But, dare I say it, did any of the shadows fall because you were standing in the way blocking the Light? 

In complete transparency, I’ve realized that I was most certainly the “opaque object” blocking my Lightsource on multiple occasions during 2019. That’s quite humbling to acknowledge, but it’s true. The hope in that humility is, as I’ve realized recently, God is *still* faithful. 

God is still faithful, y’all. Even when we get in the way of our own Lightsource. He’s still faithful.

Romans says -”And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” (5:2b-5)

2019 was certainly hard. I’d be so bold to say there was even some of that-there “suffering” involved. According to The Lord, as penned by Paul in Romans, suffering is not empty. Suffering produces perseverance in us. Perseverance is the keeping going even in the face of the “hard”. It was making it through the whole year even when you wanted to throw in the towel. Perseverance produces character. Character is in where we are right now. It’s in the acknowledging of our faults; the repentance; the praying and seeking and waiting; and it’s in the humility to ask the Lord to show us what to do to not stand in the way of the Lightsource so frequently in 2020. That’s character. Finally, character produces hope. 

Hope. 

Hope is the one thing I almost ran out of last year. Hope is the one thing I crave in this wonky-waiting-period. Hope is what I’m hoping for… if that makes any sense? Maybe you need hope, too. Maybe the hard and crazy and stressful and “suffering” of last year has driven you to feel utterly devoid of “hope”. 

Friend, it’s okay. It’s *okay*; Really and truly and actually. 

It’s okay to feel the residual haunting of the old shadows. It’s okay to be stuck somewhere in between the suffering-perseverance-character-hope plan. It’s okay to be unsure of what 2020 looks like and to have absolutely no idea what to do about it. It’s okay. 

I can promise you, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you. I and, I’m almost completely positive, many others are standing in that same wonky place with you. 

Just don’t stay there. As I’ve been lovingly told recently, “you can’t stay parked forever.” They’re right. But 2020 me has no intention of staying parked in the wonky places for long. I don’t really know what forward looks like. I still feel that left over fear from 2019’s shadows. I still am unready to change gears *just yet*. BUT I’m building that character. I’m in the acknowledging-repenting-refocusing-recommitting phase. With character comes hope, or so is promised in Romans; so I submit this post with the trust that my God really is still faithful and He really is doing a work in me. 

Shadows aren’t the real object, y’all; they’re just an obscured, darkened, representation of the real deal. Trust the Lord- Your Lightsource. I trust that it’s “okay” to not quite be okay, because my Lightsource has planned the next part. He knows, He designed it, and He’s walking me through it. You can trust that, too.