Desiring the End

 

The End. 

That’s a funny way to start a beginning, isn’t it?  

When it comes to stories… or blog posts… there’s an unspoken, yet understood, natural order to things. The order begins in the beginning, moves gracefully toward the climax, reaches the climax in an adrenaline-fueled thrill, coasts toward the ending on the wings of resolution and triumph, and then the finale bows with a definitive “The End.” This is just how it goes. I don’t make the rules, haha. 

We, as humans, appreciate this dedicated order. We don’t have to question it, we don’t have to worry if it’ll be the same during the next book we pick up. We like it. Well… most of us.  

I, on the other hand, just have to be different. For any one of you that have been crazy enough to read my writings here for any amount of time, you probably already know this fact. I tend, always, to be different. My style of book-reading attests only to the proof of that.  

You see, I read the end of the book before I read the beginning. I want to know that the story finishes in a manner I’m satisfied with. I don’t want to waste my time trudging through a book that has a sad or disappointing ending. Thus, I read the end to know if I’m going to like how the middle plays out. Don’t worry, I’ve received plenty of light-hearted ridicule for this; even some well-played stabs at my impatience and need for control. On those latter character flaws, people are absolutely right. I find the other remarks mildly humorous, however. See, the thing is, all y’all do the exact same thing I do. I do it more visibly with books, but every single human being that has ever lived has tried, failed, and yearned to know what the end of their life-story will be. You want to know how it ends to see if maybe, just maybe, you can prepare differently, or manipulate the events of the middle enough to effect the ending. Maybe if we can glimpse at the final pages of our respective lives, maybe we can write a better story; a more heroic, daring, successful, romantic, idyllic story within the center chapters. 

Don’t fret too much, Dear Friends; people all through history have had these same feelings. In Genesis, Abraham questioned the Lord on His promise to send him a son and how He would fulfill the promise. Moses questioned the Lord concerning how He would free the Hebrew slaves and why the Lord couldn’t use someone else. Gideon wanted details and assurance of God’s plan to use him in battle. The Israelites questioned God over and over and over again about ev-vuh-ree-thang. Even the disciples, as they LITERALLY WALKED WITH JESUS, were questioning Him on what would come next. In John, the Disciples questioned Jesus about His prophesized death and second coming. In Luke, the crowd and Pharisees questioned Jesus concerning signs for the end of time. In Acts, right before Jesus’s ascension, the Disciples questioned Jesus on when He would return to restore Israel.  

See? We’re not alone in wanting to know the ending! Yay for us depraved people.

<insert eyeroll at myself> 

I recently just went through a really rough couple of months concerning my relationship with the Lord. I was going through a situation where the reality of losing someone I love dearly was very, very, possible. On the outside, I tried to maintain a semblance of strength and faith in the Lord; like a good Christian girl should. On the inside, I was at a point of utter helplessness. That helplessness was met by the unique understanding that The Lord was absolutely Almighty. He could heal; there was no question, even for a second, that He could heal- but would He? My utter helplessness looked into the realization that my God was mighty to save, if He wanted to. If it wasn’t in His perfect plan to grant healing, then He wasn’t going to.  

I begged. Oh, did I beg. I sobbed and I screamed and I literally shook my fist at heaven questioning “why?” “Why her?” “Why this?” “Why, after everything that You’ve carried her through?” I was terrified. I didn’t know the ending of the story. I didn’t know what was going to come next. I desperately wanted to know how it would end; maybe I could alter it, or postpone it, or prepare for it in some crazy way.  

Most people never saw this side of me. Only a very-small-few number of people I treasure dearly saw this fear and spiritual struggle I was enduring. I remember one evening, standing with a group of beautifully godly women as they were praying with me, saying “It’s a terrible feeling to realize that you’re completely at the mercy of an Almighty God.” One of those wonderful women looked at me and responded, “But where else would you rather be?” I sobbed. 

That moment hangs in my memory like a distinctly pivotal point in those almost 3 months of struggle. I very much wanted to read the end of that story. I very much desired for control and details. I longed for the knowledge to change something, and the power to actually make the change happen. I was one of those disciples questioning Jesus, as He walked right next to me, about the “what” and “why” and “how” and “when.”  

My mind is pulled to the passage in Matthew, when the disciples are in the boat, with Jesus, crossing the sea; and Jesus was sleeping. A terrible storm arose, one that made those experienced fishermen fear for their lives. The Son of God seemed to be completely unaware of their fear and pending danger.  

Do you ever feel like that? Does it ever seem to you that our Lord is unaware of the great casualty that is overwhelming you? Personally, I asked the Lord a few times during the last 3 months why He seemed not to notice the issues at hand.   

How arrogant of us to assume that we’re noticing more than the Lord Himself is.

Geez, we really are depraved.  

Anyway, the disciples. They went a woke Jesus up. Kinda like, ‘We know You’re God and all, but obviously You’re missing the severity of this issue we’re facing. So, get up and fix it.’ (Obviously that part of the translation was missed in the original Greek or something, haha)  

Again, I’ll pull my “GUILTY” card and say that I was there.  

What does Jesus do? Does He immediately get up and fix their issues and make everything all happy-go-lucky again?  

Nope. 

He rebukes them first. “He said to them, ‘Why are you afraid, you men of little faith.’” (Matthew 8:26) 

After He rebukes them, then, and only then, does He calm the storm that they’re facing. The men were amazed. But they shouldn’t have been; and neither should we.  

We claim to be Christians. We claim to be big and tough and full of faith. But we’re not. We’re a bunch of lousy hypocrites in this regard. We are those disciples. Whenever a storm comes up in our life, we immediately panic and then we try to shake God awake to fix what’s going on. “God how are You not seeing this issue?” “God why are You not fixing this?” “God, why?” “God, how?” “God, when?”  

We get to a hard spot in our life-story and we try to skip through it to the ending. We try to make sure that our book ends with a “happily ever after”. But… how dare we! 

How dare we question the "Author and Perfecter of our faith." (Hebrews 12:1) 

Our finite minds are so below the Infinite mind of the Lord; and yet we strive so relentlessly to pull Him down to our level and see eye to eye with everything He’s doing. We dislike the powerless feeling of being at the absolute mercy of an Almighty God. We dislike the weakness and helplessness that this instills in us. But, as my precious friend reminded me, “Where else would you rather be?” 

Trust in the Lord, Dear Ones. Actually, fully, *completely* trust Him. It’s terrifying. It breaks you. It humbles you in the most incredible ways. 

It wasn’t until I arrived at a place of complete surrender, one Wednesday night- sobbing alone in prayer in my dark room, that I was able to understand what the Writer of the favored hymn was trying to convey- “When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrow like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say- ‘It is well. It is well with my soul.” 

How is it well with our souls? How are the hard times just as "well" as the good ones? 

Because we already know how our story- how God's story- is going to end. The book of Revelation tells us that The Lord will have a complete and final victory over darkness. It tells us The Lord will destroy the old heaven and earth and create a new one. It tells us every tear will be wiped away. It tells us that The Triune God will once again dwell with man. It tells us of an eternity praising, glorifying, and worshipping the Lord. The Bible ends with "Amen." Which, in my opinion, is even better than a "the end", because it's not actually an ending; rather it is the beginning of the rest of eternity spent in oneness with the Lord. 

The hands of the Absolutely Almighty God are a terrifying place to be- because they prove to you just how helpless you are; but they are also an incredible place to be. The hands that created the world, formed your inmost being within the womb of your mother, and were stretched out and nailed to a cross are the very hands that hold you in the midst of every single storm in your life. That Almighty God wrote the perfect plan for all eternity, including the chapters involving you. Trust the Author. He’s perfecting your faith. He loves you enough not to spare you from the hardship, because the hardship was designed for your sanctification. Trust Him in this chapter, and every chapter. He knows the ending, cuz He's already there. 

“It is well. It is well with my soul.”